2012 has truly been an year of many surprises.I moved out of my sisters place and decided to start living with two people I went to college with, one of them being my classmate.I was starry eyed and extremely excited about the idea of living with friends. This meant I could have fun in NYC at any time of the day, eat whatever I want,go out more, do all the fun stuff normal college students do etc.etc.But things decided to take a nosedive for the worst. One of the two girls I was living with decided to make life hell for me and went around saying random shit about me. At first I was appalled, I couldn't decipher why she would do that to me because I was very polite to her and seldom spoke to her.Later I decided to just turn a deaf ear to all the gossip going around. Then I received the next blow. This time it was a little bigger.The owner of the house we were living in decided to throw us out . He had tactfully acquired our lease papers from us saying he wanted to make copies and now decided to throw us out. I asked him for 15 days time so that I could look for a new place to move into. During these 15 days he sprayed a load of pesticides in the apartment which made me fall ill to such an extent that I had to leave the country and miss the semester. The disaster still continued. After I reached India, the roommate I had ,moved into the place I had found out for us to move in together. It was a nice house. I even paid the months rent so that I don't jeopardize her stay in the US.She paid me back by getting me involved in some random politics involving a super creepy dude at my university.I endured all this silently mostly because no one would listen to me complain, not even my sister :\ So, I decided to pull myself together and do a little soul searching.. and what I found has "changed my life"!
I was being upset about nothing! I understood that all the problems I have been having since childhood are due to the fact that I expect a lot from others. I love my friends a lot! and I expect the same love in return. But different people show love in different ways.I also realized that I was deeply hurt due to one of my past relationships. There was this guy that I liked a lot. We had a lot in common and he always made me laugh. But he had mentioned multiple times to me directly, that I was just a "distraction". From what? I didn't dare ask, because I was frightened that I would lose him. I was stuck in this bubble of love that made me believe that he would see that we were meant to be. Today, I feel ashamed when I think about the "love bubble" ! He just wanted me to distract him from the girl he liked coz she was already taken and he could not handle rejection.But he did not for once think how I felt. But the most important thing here is not the fact that he was a dickhead. The important thing here is that -I let him. I realized that I didn't love myself enough and was extremely insecure.Every relationship I had, including my friends, I was grateful for .But, to such an extent that I let them completely take over me and was continually looking for acceptance, My insecurity was so bad, that if 10 people would accept me for the way I was and one person that I cared about didn't, I would be shattered.
But I realized that I had so much to offer to the world. There were so many things I wanted to do. So many other people I wanted to love.I wanted my personality to shine through and not be always held back by what a few negative people thought about me.I didn't want to be obsessed with facebook, I understood that was also another means of seeking acceptance. Do people like my pictures? do they like the way I think? and so on. And so I decided to let everything go. Let all my inhibitions rest. For I knew that I could love myself in all entirety.I wanted to love myself enough to be happy doing things I like all by myself. I'm a dreamer and there are so many things I want to do. And I have already started doing them! I would also like to add that even though all this had dawned upon me, I have no bad feelings for anyone. I have learnt a lesson from every positive and negative experience in my life and it has only made me stronger.After all what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger..
Excited, hopeful and optimistic
No comments:
Post a Comment