2012 has truly been an year of many surprises.I moved out of my sisters place and decided to start living with two people I went to college with, one of them being my classmate.I was starry eyed and extremely excited about the idea of living with friends. This meant I could have fun in NYC at any time of the day, eat whatever I want,go out more, do all the fun stuff normal college students do etc.etc.But things decided to take a nosedive for the worst. One of the two girls I was living with decided to make life hell for me and went around saying random shit about me. At first I was appalled, I couldn't decipher why she would do that to me because I was very polite to her and seldom spoke to her.Later I decided to just turn a deaf ear to all the gossip going around. Then I received the next blow. This time it was a little bigger.The owner of the house we were living in decided to throw us out . He had tactfully acquired our lease papers from us saying he wanted to make copies and now decided to throw us out. I asked him for 15 days time so that I could look for a new place to move into. During these 15 days he sprayed a load of pesticides in the apartment which made me fall ill to such an extent that I had to leave the country and miss the semester. The disaster still continued. After I reached India, the roommate I had ,moved into the place I had found out for us to move in together. It was a nice house. I even paid the months rent so that I don't jeopardize her stay in the US.She paid me back by getting me involved in some random politics involving a super creepy dude at my university.I endured all this silently mostly because no one would listen to me complain, not even my sister :\ So, I decided to pull myself together and do a little soul searching.. and what I found has "changed my life"!
I was being upset about nothing! I understood that all the problems I have been having since childhood are due to the fact that I expect a lot from others. I love my friends a lot! and I expect the same love in return. But different people show love in different ways.I also realized that I was deeply hurt due to one of my past relationships. There was this guy that I liked a lot. We had a lot in common and he always made me laugh. But he had mentioned multiple times to me directly, that I was just a "distraction". From what? I didn't dare ask, because I was frightened that I would lose him. I was stuck in this bubble of love that made me believe that he would see that we were meant to be. Today, I feel ashamed when I think about the "love bubble" ! He just wanted me to distract him from the girl he liked coz she was already taken and he could not handle rejection.But he did not for once think how I felt. But the most important thing here is not the fact that he was a dickhead. The important thing here is that -I let him. I realized that I didn't love myself enough and was extremely insecure.Every relationship I had, including my friends, I was grateful for .But, to such an extent that I let them completely take over me and was continually looking for acceptance, My insecurity was so bad, that if 10 people would accept me for the way I was and one person that I cared about didn't, I would be shattered.
But I realized that I had so much to offer to the world. There were so many things I wanted to do. So many other people I wanted to love.I wanted my personality to shine through and not be always held back by what a few negative people thought about me.I didn't want to be obsessed with facebook, I understood that was also another means of seeking acceptance. Do people like my pictures? do they like the way I think? and so on. And so I decided to let everything go. Let all my inhibitions rest. For I knew that I could love myself in all entirety.I wanted to love myself enough to be happy doing things I like all by myself. I'm a dreamer and there are so many things I want to do. And I have already started doing them! I would also like to add that even though all this had dawned upon me, I have no bad feelings for anyone. I have learnt a lesson from every positive and negative experience in my life and it has only made me stronger.After all what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger..
Excited, hopeful and optimistic
